Graham W Price's Blog

People find it difficult to lose weight and keep it off  because there’s far too little focus on the psychology involved. Key psychological factors include motivation, commitment and resilience.  The first two are reasonanably well understood. No-one succeeds in achieving a challenging goal unless they’re motivated by a clear focus on the benefits (though most perhaps don’t realise that one of the biggest benefits of weight-loss is that when we succeed in taking control of this aspect of our lives we can use the same tecniques to take control of every aspect of our lives). And most know that commitment is needed to get us through those inevitable times of weakness.

But few understand the role of resilience, let alone how to develop it. In the context of weight loss, resilience entails knowing how to deal with the emotions that often get in the way, how to generate self-acceptance (i.e. accepting ourselves despite being overweight …  the opposite might seem more motivating but in practice is generally debilitating and demotivating) and how to break through self-limitations, such as a lack of belief in our ability to succeed. All these skills are vital to achieving and sustaining weight-loss goals.

The key to resilience is acceptance. Not acceptance in the sense of inaction (we clearly need to take powerful action). Not acceptance in the sense of accepting the things we cannot change (we clearly need to change ourselves by losing the weight we want to lose). We’re talking about ‘accepting what is’, which means stopping wishing things were already different, ‘accepting what was’, including any past failings, and accepting any uncomfortable feelings, as long as we have them, while understanding we can always choose powerful actions despite whatever we may be feeling (‘accept the feeling, choose the action’).  www.whatisisbook.com

The Observer today carries a front-page article about Tony Blair’s depression as the aftermath of the Iraq invasion unfolded. No surprise there. The unfolding story was indeed horrendous. Tony no doubt felt some sense of guilt.  Guilt and depression feed on each other like two … (simile deleted as suitably distasteful).

We might be curious whether Gordon feels similarly depressed over Britain’s poor recession performance … thanks at least in part to high government spending and lack of control over the banks.  Not much evidence of it. Maybe he’s putting on a brave face as Tony did. Maybe he’s more resilient. Maybe he knows the dual truths  of  ’accepting what is’ and the ‘determined’ nature of life … see my previous post  Tiger’s lament . His apparent fortitude suggests he just might know. If he does, he’s a rare bird indeed. Pity he didn’t share it with Tony.

Clients pour into my clinic struggling with guilt or regret about past actions, resentment over the actions of others, from parents or partners to bosses, or depression fuelled by the challenging circumstances of their lives.  When they arrive, none know about the dual truths. By the time they leave, they know them well and their lives are dramatically changed by it.

Couples come in droves for relationship counselling  . There’s lots I can tell them, exercises that help, but none more potent than the dual truths that Tiger and Tony apparently don’t know and other skills that flow from those truths such as ‘owning our reactions’ (the situation we’re reacting to is the only situation that could have existed right now, given the awareness of everyone involved at the time), self-acceptance (if we’ve always done the only thing we could have done given our awareness at the time, then who we are right now is the only person we could have been right now) and taking total responsibility for our interactions (others are doing the only thing they could be doing, given their awareness right now and we’re the only person who can change that awareness).  So relationships too are transformed. None need fail except by choice.

These things, and other skills that flow from the dual truths, are not complex. They can be, and hopefully one day will be, learned by Tiger, Tony and everyone else.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

Tiger’s rambling apology, and his apparent failure to get it previewed by his PR, serve only to highlight how thrown he’s been, and still is, by the events that have caught up with him. (I assume he has a PR and if it was previewed by said PR, I suggest he finds another).

To be fair he’s in a tough position. His wife on the verge of dumping him. His previously enviable celebrity status diminished. His sponsors in retreat. No more flings!

But hold on … aren’t there thousands of stories of greater hardship … survivors of natural disasters losing their entire family; soldiers with limbs blown off. Don’t we hear or read impressive stories of resilience in horific circumstances far worse than Tiger’s. Shouldn’t we expect a greater show of resilience from him.

Not at all. Expecting anyone to be different from who or what they are is expecting the impossible. The criticism the media has levelled against Tiger for his performance, whether sexual or apologetic, ignores a truth the media always ignores, because they’re totally unaware of it. If they were aware of it, I’ll be the first to admit, their stories might make less enthralling reading.

Ironically, the understanding the media is unaware of is the same understanding that would give Tiger the very resilience he appears to be lacking.

This truth is that we live in a determined world. There’s simply no way Tiger could have avoided his affairs. There’s no way he could have given a more impressive apology. There’s no way he could have consulted his PR, assuming he has one and that he or she wasn’t consulted.

Sure we make choices … all the time . The question is why do we make the choices we make. The answer is always … because of our awareness at the time (everything that makes up who we are at any moment … our beliefs, attitudes, ways of thinking, unconcsious programming, abilities, knowledge, etc).

The truth is that everything Tiger or you or me have ever done, thought or felt at any moment is the only thing we could possibly have done, thought or felt at that moment, given our awareness at the time. And as our awareness at any moment is simply the result of our entire life experience up to that moment, there’s no way our awareness at any moment could have been different either.

If Tiger knew this and how to use this knowledge, he like everyone else would be able to breeze through any hardship life may put in his path.  What’s more, he’d be able to take  control of events, or at least his experience of events, and total control of his future.

If everyone knew this truth and how to use it, everyone would be able to deal easily with any challenge life may present and be able to take control of how we experience events and total control of our future.

If this sounds like a huge cop-out from all the wrongs we ever do or have ever done, you’ll need to find out about the difference between blame and responsibility. It would be a very different world is we could eliminate blame, including self-blame, and replace it with responsibility.

And if you think living in a determined world suggests we have no control over the future, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure what we do in the future will be determined by our awareness at the time. The question is … how can we take control of our awareness. 

It’s long been known that the human mind is determined. There’s now practically no disagreement  among those who’ve been involved in thousands of discussions on the subject. Yet few until now have seen the link between this basically obvious and well documented truth and the powerful tool of  ’accepting what is’ (very different from the generally weak concept of  ’acceptance’) that lies at the core of resilience.  That too is the only thing that could have happened given the awareness of everyone involved at each moment.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

‘Accepting what is’ is a way of thinking, a skill, that everyone should develop. It’s the secret of happiness. Few know about it. Even fewer practice it.

Positive Acceptance is a technique for learning to ‘accept what is’ and for combining ‘accepting what is’ with taking action to improve the future. It’s a technique everyone should use. It’s the secret of living a powerful, successful life. Few know about it. Everyone who knows about it practices it.

If you don’t yet know about it, you could try Googling it.   www.abicord.com/what-is-is

What if you knew you live in a determined world? What if you knew your mind, and everyone else’s, is determined, meaning that everything you or anyone else has ever done is the only thing you could possibly have done with the awareness you had at the time.  How might it effect the way you think? Do you think it might change things? Yes it  changes things. It  changes everything. It’s amazingly freeing and empowering.

It allows us to ‘accept what is’ all the time. It eliminates self-blame and replaces it with responsibility. It changes the way we think about, and behave towards, others. It dramatically enhances relationships.  It enables us to take control of our lives and the way we experience every moment. It allows us to achieve whatever we want to achieve in life. And that’s just the beginning.   www.abicord.com/what-is-is

When someone comes to see me with an emotional or behavioural issue, the first thing I usually teach them is how to accept their uncomfortable feelings. I didn’t find out about this until I was in my thirties. Nobody had told me. I stumbled on it by accident while I was experimenting with ‘accepting what is’.

Little did I know then that I’d stumbled on an idea that over the following twenty years was to become the most valuable tool used in therapy today.  We all experience uncomfortable feeings from time to time. Accepting them is the most powerful psychological tool anyone can develop in their life-time.  It’s huge. It’s the holy grail of developing resilience in life. It should be taught in schools.   www.abicord.com/what-is-is

I’m often asked … what’s the single biggest change I’d encourage people to make to improve their lives. It has to be  learning to ‘accept what is’, in other words to stop ‘resisting what is’.

I see people 100 times a day ‘resisting what is’. They’re either wanting something that’s happened, not to have happened or a situation that exists right now, not to exist right now. In other words they’re wanting something to be ‘already’ different from the way it is, which is wishing for the impossible. This is crazy. Yet the whole world is doing it.

Is there anyone out there already ‘accepting what is’ without having been on a ‘Power to Choose’ training or read the book? If so I’d be curious to hear how you learned about it.  www.abicord.com/what-is, is