Graham W Price's Blog

I’ve been asked why it isn’t a cop-out for Tiger and Tony, and the rest of us, to understand that everything we’ve ever done is the best we could have done, indeed the only thing we could have done, given our awareness at the time?  It’s not a cop-out because we’re still responsible. 

So what’s the difference between blame, in this case self-blame, and responsibility? 

Blame is always focused on the past. It involves wanting the past to be different, which is crazy because the past can never be different, or thinking the past ‘should’ have been different, which is just as crazy because the past couldn’t have been different. All the choices we’ve ever made were the only choices we could have made, given our awareness at the time. 

Blame, including self-blame, is both futile and a nonsense. 

Responsibility on the other hand only impacts the future. Sure it involves recognising we’re responsible for our past actions … nobody else can be … even though it was the best we could have done, indeed the only thing we could have done, given our awareness at the time. Responsibility only impacts the future because it involves considering whether there’s anything we can or should do now or in the future to make up for what we’ve done … apology, recompense, etc … and whether there’s anything we need to change in our behaviour now or in the future to make sure it doesn’t happen again. 

Blame is about the past. Responsibility is about the future. If we use our understanding of the ‘determined’ nature of life to eliminate self-blame, but don’t take responsibility where appropriate, such as when we’ve wrongly hurt others, then to me that is a cop-out.  

We know Tony missed an opportunity by not apologising, or at least expressing some sadness, to the families of Iraq victims, both British and Iraqi. No doubt he knows it too. He probably blames himself for the oversight, though likely not as much as he blames himself for the aftermath of the war. He needs to know that neither were avoidable. In both cases he did the only thing he could have done, given his awareness at the time. And that awareness at each moment was simply the product of his life history up to that moment. 

If he wants to follow Tiger’s lead and take responsibility now, it’s never too late. 

I let go of regret, guilt and self-blame many years ago, replacing it with responsibility. I’ve had an easier, more satisfying and more productive life for it. Thousands of others have now done the same. We hope to take the training into prisons when we have the time and resources, never mind schools and 6 billion others who don’t yet know the twin truths.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

Letting go of blaming others is just as powerful, but that’s another story.

The Observer today carries a front-page article about Tony Blair’s depression as the aftermath of the Iraq invasion unfolded. No surprise there. The unfolding story was indeed horrendous. Tony no doubt felt some sense of guilt.  Guilt and depression feed on each other like two … (simile deleted as suitably distasteful).

We might be curious whether Gordon feels similarly depressed over Britain’s poor recession performance … thanks at least in part to high government spending and lack of control over the banks.  Not much evidence of it. Maybe he’s putting on a brave face as Tony did. Maybe he’s more resilient. Maybe he knows the dual truths  of  ’accepting what is’ and the ‘determined’ nature of life … see my previous post  Tiger’s lament . His apparent fortitude suggests he just might know. If he does, he’s a rare bird indeed. Pity he didn’t share it with Tony.

Clients pour into my clinic struggling with guilt or regret about past actions, resentment over the actions of others, from parents or partners to bosses, or depression fuelled by the challenging circumstances of their lives.  When they arrive, none know about the dual truths. By the time they leave, they know them well and their lives are dramatically changed by it.

Couples come in droves for relationship counselling  . There’s lots I can tell them, exercises that help, but none more potent than the dual truths that Tiger and Tony apparently don’t know and other skills that flow from those truths such as ‘owning our reactions’ (the situation we’re reacting to is the only situation that could have existed right now, given the awareness of everyone involved at the time), self-acceptance (if we’ve always done the only thing we could have done given our awareness at the time, then who we are right now is the only person we could have been right now) and taking total responsibility for our interactions (others are doing the only thing they could be doing, given their awareness right now and we’re the only person who can change that awareness).  So relationships too are transformed. None need fail except by choice.

These things, and other skills that flow from the dual truths, are not complex. They can be, and hopefully one day will be, learned by Tiger, Tony and everyone else.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

Tiger’s rambling apology, and his apparent failure to get it previewed by his PR, serve only to highlight how thrown he’s been, and still is, by the events that have caught up with him. (I assume he has a PR and if it was previewed by said PR, I suggest he finds another).

To be fair he’s in a tough position. His wife on the verge of dumping him. His previously enviable celebrity status diminished. His sponsors in retreat. No more flings!

But hold on … aren’t there thousands of stories of greater hardship … survivors of natural disasters losing their entire family; soldiers with limbs blown off. Don’t we hear or read impressive stories of resilience in horific circumstances far worse than Tiger’s. Shouldn’t we expect a greater show of resilience from him.

Not at all. Expecting anyone to be different from who or what they are is expecting the impossible. The criticism the media has levelled against Tiger for his performance, whether sexual or apologetic, ignores a truth the media always ignores, because they’re totally unaware of it. If they were aware of it, I’ll be the first to admit, their stories might make less enthralling reading.

Ironically, the understanding the media is unaware of is the same understanding that would give Tiger the very resilience he appears to be lacking.

This truth is that we live in a determined world. There’s simply no way Tiger could have avoided his affairs. There’s no way he could have given a more impressive apology. There’s no way he could have consulted his PR, assuming he has one and that he or she wasn’t consulted.

Sure we make choices … all the time . The question is why do we make the choices we make. The answer is always … because of our awareness at the time (everything that makes up who we are at any moment … our beliefs, attitudes, ways of thinking, unconcsious programming, abilities, knowledge, etc).

The truth is that everything Tiger or you or me have ever done, thought or felt at any moment is the only thing we could possibly have done, thought or felt at that moment, given our awareness at the time. And as our awareness at any moment is simply the result of our entire life experience up to that moment, there’s no way our awareness at any moment could have been different either.

If Tiger knew this and how to use this knowledge, he like everyone else would be able to breeze through any hardship life may put in his path.  What’s more, he’d be able to take  control of events, or at least his experience of events, and total control of his future.

If everyone knew this truth and how to use it, everyone would be able to deal easily with any challenge life may present and be able to take control of how we experience events and total control of our future.

If this sounds like a huge cop-out from all the wrongs we ever do or have ever done, you’ll need to find out about the difference between blame and responsibility. It would be a very different world is we could eliminate blame, including self-blame, and replace it with responsibility.

And if you think living in a determined world suggests we have no control over the future, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure what we do in the future will be determined by our awareness at the time. The question is … how can we take control of our awareness. 

It’s long been known that the human mind is determined. There’s now practically no disagreement  among those who’ve been involved in thousands of discussions on the subject. Yet few until now have seen the link between this basically obvious and well documented truth and the powerful tool of  ’accepting what is’ (very different from the generally weak concept of  ’acceptance’) that lies at the core of resilience.  That too is the only thing that could have happened given the awareness of everyone involved at each moment.

We need to end this absence of the very thing I’m talking about … awareness of these basic truths of life. It’s time for everyone to discover their meaning and start using them every day.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

You’ve heard about the seven habits of highly succesful people. Here are seven tools for taking control of the future:

• Positive Acceptance
• Accept the feeling, choose the action
• Stop playing the when-then game
• Commit
• Focus on contribution
• Act as if
• Take bold action

Are you using these tools? If not, I suggest you start now.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

‘Accepting what is’ is a way of thinking, a skill, that everyone should develop. It’s the secret of happiness. Few know about it. Even fewer practice it.

Positive Acceptance is a technique for learning to ‘accept what is’ and for combining ‘accepting what is’ with taking action to improve the future. It’s a technique everyone should use. It’s the secret of living a powerful, successful life. Few know about it. Everyone who knows about it practices it.

If you don’t yet know about it, Google it and find out. Use it every day, several times a day, for the rest of your life.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

What if you knew you live in a determined world? What if you knew your mind, and everyone else’s, is determined, meaning that everything you or anyone else has ever done is the only thing you could possibly have done with the awareness you had at the time.  How might it effect the way you think? Do you think it might change things? Yes it  changes things. It  changes everything. It’s amazingly freeing and empowering.

It allows us to ‘accept what is’ all the time. It eliminates self-blame and replaces it with responsibility. It changes the way we think about, and behave towards, others. It dramatically enhances relationships.  It enables us to take control of our lives and the way we experience every moment. It allows us to achieve whatever we want to achieve in life. And that’s just the beginning. 

If you want to know what and how, find out about Positive Acceptance. Don’t spend any longer ignoring this invaluable, empowering and remarkable truth.   www.abicord.com/what-is-is

When someone comes to see me with an emotional or behavioural issue, the first thing I usually teach them is how to accept their uncomfortable feelings. I didn’t find out about this until I was in my thirties. Nobody had told me. I stumbled on it by accident while I was experimenting with ‘accepting what is’.

Little did I know then that I’d stumbled on an idea that over the following twenty years was to become the most valuable tool used in therapy today.  We all experience uncomfortable feeings from time to time. Accepting them is the most powerful psychological tool anyone can develop in their life-time.  It’s huge. It’s the holy grail of developing resilience in life. It should be taught in schools. It will be soon when I can free up some time to make it happen.

If you want to find out more, learn about Positive Acceptance. Don’t waste any more time resisting uncomfortable feelings.  www.abicord.com/what-is-is

I’m often asked … what’s the single biggest change I’d encourage people to make to improve their lives. It has to be  learning to ‘accept what is’, in other words to stop ‘resisting what is’.

I see people 100 times a day ‘resisting what is’. They’re either wanting something that’s happened, not to have happened or a situation that exists right now, not to exist right now. In other words they’re wanting something to be ‘already’ different from the way it is, which is wishing for the impossible. This is crazy. Yet the whole world is doing it.

If I only achieve one thing in my life-time, out of all the things I want to achieve, it would be to teach the world how to stop this lunacy. I’ve only managed to tell a few thousand so far. Six billion to go.

If you don’t yet know about it,  attend the seminar, watch the DVD, listen to the CD, read the  e-book called Positive Acceptance  or read the book What Is, Is! The Power of Positive Acceptance. Learn something you’ll use every day, several times a day, for the rest of your life. Start  ’accepting what is’  all the time.

Is there anyone out there already doing this without having been to a ‘Power to Choose’ seminar or used any of the other Abicord tools? If so, I’d be curious to hear how you learned about it.

We all feel time pressured, yes?.  At least I assume we all do. Seems to me it’s a good idea to stop once in a while and spend a few moments checking what it’s all about. Why are we working so hard? For me it’s clear. I have huge goals I want to achieve. I love working on them. I’m driven by them. But I also make sure I stop every now and then and tune into the moment. When I do I marvel at the buzz I get out of it all. It’s simply amazing. I love contemplating the opportunities life brings …. and making sure I’m using  them. If you don’t do this at least once in a while, give it a try. Let me know if you come up with any inspirations.